Becoming a mommy

Today our beautiful daughter is 5 weeks old.
How is it that 6 weeks ago I had never met this tiny human, but today, can't imagine a world without her?  Our sweet, precious E, who has changed every aspect of my life for the better, is already a month old.
The time goes too quickly.

Photo Courtesy of Cherished: Portraits by Michelle
(http://www.cherishedportraitsbymichelle.com/)

Ten months ago, I became a mother.  We conceived a tiny life.  I grew her in my belly.  Nourished her, protected her, prayed for her.  Loved her.
Five weeks ago, I became a mommy.

I came face to face with this little person who I had grown to love and know over nine months.  I fell in love with her in a new way.
While absolutely terrified about being capable of caring for her, there was nothing in the world that mattered as much as our daughter in that moment.  K and I were (and are) so in love with E.  We were parents, we were responsible for her entire being.
The car ride home from the hospital was one of the scariest of my life.

Little E in her carseat for our ride home from the hospital.  I still can't get over how teeny tiny she was.

But in five weeks time, I have come to understand what it means to be a mother and, even more important, what it means to be a mommy.
Being a mother has allowed me to meet my daughter's needs.  I am able to care for her, change her, clothe her, feed her.  I am able to tell when her cries are cries of hunger or hold me.  I have learned her routine and do my best to keep consistency in our household.
Being a mommy has allowed me to joyfully wake with my daughter late at night when she decides that 3:30am is a wonderful time for a party.  It lets me find no greater joy than simply staring at my daughter's face for hours on end.  It has caused me to go through multiple SD camera cards filled with pictures of my princess. 
It has shown me a whole new kind of love that I never could have fathomed.

A very wise person once told me, "Kim, you will never be a perfect mom, but God has made you the perfect mom for E".
I hold to that truth every day.  I pray that God equips me to be the mother that E needs.  Not the mother of the year, not the June Cleaver mother, not the crunchy mother, not the working mother, not the helicopter mother, not the permissive mother.
Just E's mother.

People are right when they say that you just know what to do when you have a child.  I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to care for her, to know what she needs and to meet those needs.  Yet something just clicked the moment I met her.
I'm not perfect.  There are still days I have no clue what she wants or needs.  I still get flustered and frustrated.  There are still moments when the only thing I know to do is cry.
But in all of that is a love I can't explain.  This sweet, precious life...this gift....is ours.  How blessed we are!

So...what has happened in the last 5 weeks?

E was 8 pounds 4 ounces when she was born.  I weighed her yesterday and we are up to 11 pounds.  As her Auntie Kylie has said, she will be a marshmallow baby!  We're quite thrilled.

She is officially out of newborn sizes.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry a little when I packed those away.  Time goes so quickly.  I feel like it was yesterday she was still in my belly.

We are cloth diapering and loving it.  I can't get over how easy it is and how much money we are saving.  Right now we use mostly prefolds, but once she's a bit bigger, we're going to move to pocket diapers.  I might have a slight problem as our stash is growing larger than what we probably need.  My excuse is that I need to try different kinds of diapers to know exactly what I want to use (or that's what I tell my husband).

I have discovered the joys of babywearing.  E loves being snuggled up close and I love having my hands free.  I'm partial to my Maya ring sling, but have found several carriers that I like.  This might turn into a similar problem like the cloth diapers...

My wonderful sister has spent lots of time with us in the last 5 weeks.  I am so blessed to have her so close right now and enjoy every moment she is able to spare us.  There really isn't anything that compares to a sister.  She has been such a big help and it's great spending the whole day with your best friend!

E is a champion sleeper (you realize that now I've said this, she is going to stop, right?).  She usually only wakes up once per night and sleeps great in her cradle.  I look forward to the mornings though when we get our breakfast in bed snuggles.

Some big news in our family appeared shortly after we arrived home from the hospital.  We will be moving to Lackland AFB in San Antonio, Texas at the end of this year.  These orders were a bit unexpected, but we are so looking forward to the new adventure.  Because of the knowledge that I won't get a white Christmas this year, I'm not even complaining about the snow we've gotten this week!  I'm nervous, excited and all sorts of in between about the move, but know that God is having us go there for a reason!  What a fun thing to look forward to!

In the last 5 weeks I have also fallen in love with my husband all over again.  I've seen a whole new side to him that I never even imagined existed and, let me tell you, there is nothing more attractive than a man who loves being a daddy.  I have realized how blessed I am to have him in my life and appreciate him so much more.  I really hit the husband jackpot with him!

Sorry ladies, he's taken.

Photo courtesy of Cherished: Portraits by Michelle
(http://www.cherishedportraitsbymichelle.com/)

Even with everything going on with our sweet little E, we've started yet another chapter in our family's book.  K deployed one week ago, just a few days shy of E's one month birthday.  We miss him terribly but know he will be home in time.  I'm looking at it as an excuse to lose this baby weight and as a free pass to decorate and organize the house as I please (as well as paint our little one's toes without anyone laughing at me)..

Our last family photo for a few months

To be frank, I'm doing much better this deployment than I did for the last one.  I feel like this one snuck up on us with the flurry of having a baby and being pregnant and all.  In all honesty, I tried not to think about it because it would just make me sad.  I'm doing my best not to focus on what K is going to miss during his time away, but instead focusing on all of the exciting things he will get to come home to.  E will be crawling, sitting up, be cutting her teeth, have a little personality, be able to play....what wonderful things for us to look forward to sharing together!
I miss my husband though.  I'd be lying if I said this is easy.  Thankfully, I am blessed to have wonderful friends and family around to help out when things become too much, but no one replaces my husband.  I don't like going to bed alone.  I don't like how quiet the house is.  I miss him teasing me.  I miss his kisses.  I want to share in E's cuteness with him.  She smiled for the first time 3 days after he left.  I cried.

But, truthfully, it's not all bad.  I have spent a lot of time praying about this deployment, asking God to give me the strength to handle it with grace, peace and sanity.  He, as always, has been gracious and given me far beyond that.  I've had several sweet people ask me how I'm doing and seem surprised when I honestly reply that I'm doing just fine.  Yes, I miss him.  Yes, sometimes I'm sad.  But life is too short to dwell on it.  Instead, I give my energy to our daughter, to preserving each moment for my husband in pictures and videos and phone calls.  Cherishing each special second for the both of us.

My role has changed so much in five weeks.  My role as a wife, as an employee, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister...they have all evolved and will continue to do so as time goes on.

In five weeks, I have learned to love in a whole new way.  I have learned to appreciate my husband on a whole new level.  I have learned to cherish each moment of every day.  I have realized how blessed I am in friendships.  I have gained a new confidence in myself.  I have a deeper trust in the Lord.

and, above all, I have started to learn what it means to be E's mommy

and there is nothing else I'd rather do.  There's no other place I'd rather be.

E's Birth Story

By popular request, below is the story of our sweet E’s birth.  You have been warned.  If labor stories aren’t your thing, I recommend skipping this particular entry and waiting until the next one which will more than likely involve lots of cute baby pictures and new mommy braggings.

This entry is actually very hard for me to write, not because it’s hard to recall or something I don’t want to share, but because of how deeply it impacted me and how significant it was to me and my husband.  Words truly cannot convey my experience, but I’m going to try.  I think it is important for women to share their labor stories.  Birth is not something to fear.  It can be scary at times, especially because of the unknowns, but God created our bodies to birth and what better way to empower moms than share our experiences, as varied as they all are, so that we can create an atmosphere that is supportive of mothers, respectful of the birth process and that elicits the awe that God’s creation of pregnancy and birth truly deserve.  So, onto attempting to describe the most incredible experience of my life:

Sunday night, January 20^th, my sister came over to keep us company.  Bed rest was making me crazy, and I had resigned myself to thinking that E was only coming out when they induced me later in the week due to my preeclampsia.  Kylie was determined to try everything to get things rolling though, so we bounced on my labor ball, walked and even tried using my breast pump to get contractions rolling with no such luck.  It was a nice, relaxing evening, though, and we had lots of fun eating pizza and watching movies—knowing that we still had a few days before a baby would be here.

After she left around 11pm, I decided to go to bed.  Thankfully, I was able to sleep well throughout my pregnancy, but I was uncharacteristically tired that night.  I kissed K goodnight, told him that he might want to come to bed soon, just in case, and went to bed.

True to being almost 40 weeks pregnant, I woke up a few hours later needing to use the bathroom.  It was around 2:15am.  I went to the restroom and as soon as I sat down on the toilet, I heard a “plop”.  I looked in the toilet and didn’t see anything, so I assumed my bladder had just been incredibly full (also a possibility considering I drank like a camel throughout my pregnancy).  K had still not come to bed, so I went downstairs to see if he was going to be on his way soon.

He was still downstairs playing on his computer (attempting to fix his iTunes, if I recall).  I asked when he was coming to bed and he said soon, so I turned around to go back upstairs.  About halfway up the staircase, I felt another small gush of fluid.  Knowing I had just used the bathroom, it was a safe bet that I had not just wet myself.  I went to the bathroom again, sat down, and another gush came out.  That was when it hit me that my water had broken.

I walked back downstairs (you’d think with all of these stairs, my labor would have been shorter!) and told K that my water had broken.  He didn’t believe me at first and asked if I was really sure or if I had just peed myself.  I told him that there was no way it wasn’t my water and that it might be good if he got some sleep since we didn’t know what the morning would bring.  While he went up to our bedroom, I called my midwife and she said to get some sleep and if contractions didn’t start by 9am, to head to the hospital.  She said that they would more than likely start on their own, though, and that she would plan to see me in a couple of hours.

I knew I should have tried to get some sleep, so I went to bed for twenty minutes, but couldn’t relax.  My head was spinning with the reality that we would soon be meeting our daughter.  My sweet husband slept great, but I got up and decided to try some things to get contractions rolling.  I had called our doula shortly after my conversation with the midwife and she gave me some ideas to potentially help.  Kylie was going to be in the labor/delivery room, so I called her as well and she continued to text me throughout the morning, possibly even more excited than I was!

By 7am, my contractions still hadn’t started, so I decided to eat breakfast before waking up K to get ready to head to the hospital.  While I knew I should eat, it was much like my wedding day—nerves were preventing me from wanting to palate much of anything.  I had apple and banana slices with peanut butter.  Probably should have eaten a bit more!

K was still sleeping after I finished breakfast, so I decided to shower and make myself feel pretty knowing I wouldn’t be feeling so attractive in a few short hours.  I picked my favorite warm maternity shirt and jeans.  I even styled my hair!  It helped to kill the time and made me feel cute—which, when you don’t feel well, can make a huge difference.

Here I am at 39 weeks 5 days pregnant.  We were just about ready to head to the hospital.  My water had been broken for about 6 hours at this point.

My husband woke up around 8am and we were on the road by 8:40.  The hospital we chose to deliver at was about 35-40 minutes from our house, which was so worth the drive.  The care and quality of staff and facilities were incredible and I would deliver there again in a heartbeat.  The car ride there was quiet.  We were both tired and trying to wrap our heads around the fact we wouldn’t be coming home alone.

Kylie met us at the hospital.  We walked up to the labor and delivery floor and checked in.  I laughed when the nurses asked whether I “thought” my water had broken and whether I was sure.  Oh, I was very sure!  They took me to our labor suite (thankfully, we got one with a whirlpool tub) and had me change.  I was so excited to wear my hot pink Pretty Pushers gown (and got so many compliments on it too!).

In my Pretty Pushers gown and robe.  Wasn't feeling too much here, so I was bouncing on my ball to see if we could get her to drop some more.

The nurse came in and said she was going to check whether my water had actually broken.  The test came back positive immediately and when she went to check me for dilation, the rest poured out, confirming that I wouldn’t be leaving the hospital without a baby!  At this point, I was still not having any contractions, and my midwife became concerned as something should have started much sooner.  The fact I had also not dilated beyond the 1 ½ cm that I was at my appointment on Friday was also disheartening, so we started on a very low dose of pitocin in order to get things moving.

The nurse came back into the room at this point and asked whether we knew a Sara.  I know lots of Saras, so it didn’t compute to me right away, however, my sister knew immediately who the nurse was talking about.  A long time family friend, who had been my mom’s labor/delivery nurse with my two younger siblings, worked casually at the hospital as a L&D nurse.  Of all days she happened to be working, she was there that day!  When she saw my name on the list of moms delivering, she asked if she could be assigned to us.  What a blessing it was to have her there and seeing a familiar face made the experience all the more wonderful!

Sweet, wonderful Sara.  What a blessing it was to have her as part of our labor experience! 

After my IV was placed and the pitocin was rolling, we started to walk the halls.  There were 12 other women in active labor at the time, so the halls got rather crowded at times.  After a little while of walking, we went back into the room to relax.  My sister put in a movie and I had some chicken broth and crackers since I had become hungry with all that walking (another perk of delivering with the midwives—being able to eat even if I couldn't palate a steak at that point!).

My doula arrived around 2:20pm, even though contractions still hadn’t picked up to the point they were painful.  At this point, they were still more like really annoying menstrual cramps.  We decided to try walking some more.  I put on my robe (those hospitals get cold!) and we walked some more.  I remember laughing a lot, especially as we tried to navigate the IV pole that held the evil pitocin drip.  It’s a miracle we didn’t rip out my IV with all of the laughing, stopping and starting we did.

Around 3, my mother and little sister stopped by for a short visit.  We made it clear we didn’t want a whole bunch of people in the room when I was in labor, but since nothing was really happening yet, we said they could stop by for a few minutes.  I was starting to get uncomfortable, but it wasn’t painful at this point, so it was now or never if they were going to come.  Mom and Reagan didn’t stay long, but it was nice to see them for a few minutes.

Once they left, my doula suggested we start walking again since things still weren’t progressing.  K said he was sure that something would happen by 4 or 5pm.  After 20 minutes of walking, we went back to the room to keep watching a movie.  While the movie played, my doula had me try some more techniques to get things moving.  I did some step ups and more bouncing on my birth ball, and while contractions seemed to be getting stronger, they were still mild, at best.  We walked some more and it was at that point that I noticed things starting to change.

Sweet Sara with the Pitocin pump of death.  I hated that darn thing!

At this point, I wasn’t wanting to talk and laugh anymore.  Contractions were bearable, but definitely hurt and I wanted to focus more on riding each wave rather than entertaining everyone.  There as the suggestion to turn the movie back on to help us relax, but my focus was shifted.  I laid in the bed for a few minutes to try and get E to drop into an even more favorable position, and my midwife came in to check on me again.  She was pleased with how things seemed to be going and said she would be back for the rest of the evening once she had some dinner.  One thing I really appreciated about my midwife was that she always made sure I was okay with something before she did it.  Instead of saying, "I'll be back after dinner" she said "If you're okay with it, I'm going to go get some dinner with my family, but I will be back as soon as we are finished".  I never felt like I was inconveniencing her and instead felt like she wanted to respect what my needs were at that time.  I was also really happy that I did not have to have any cervical checks during this period.  The hospital and nursing staff was incredibly respectful of my desires not to have a bunch of checks, and considering my water had been broken for a long time, it was also going to help reduce the chance of infection to me and my daughter.

Jenda left and I hopped back on my birth ball.  At this point, I asked my sister to play some of my favorite worship songs.  What better way to celebrate bringing life into the world than by praising the God who created life itself?!  The music also helped distract me from the pain that was now accompanying my contractions.  At a certain point during labor, you stop being self conscious.  You stop caring what other people think.  This part of you that you don’t even know exists emerges and you are lost in your own world.  You know people are there, you know they are talking and doing things, but you don’t care.  While sitting on the birth ball, I sang along to the music and would request songs for my sister to find.  A few times, I felt myself getting emotional, not because I was scared or in pain, just because of how incredible and beautiful the situation was.

Kylie being my DJ.  Smiling between contractions.  The cup on the right had the delicious chicken broth...I kid you not, that stuff was great during labor (although I might never actually ask to eat it again like I did that day!)

After spending some time on the ball, we decided to try walking again since things were actually moving along.  I felt the pep in my step was now much more of a determined shuffle (no more power walking and lunging for me).  Instead of being able to walk through my contractions, I had to stop and hold onto the railings as they flowed.  There were several people in the hallways, and I could feel their presence affecting my ability to labor effectively.  While the intensity did not die out, my contractions started to get further apart.  This further solidifies my attitude that labor is a beautiful and private affair.  If you aren’t fully comfortable with your surroundings, you will not progress.

My doula also sensed this and suggested we go back to the room where I could have a bit more privacy.  K was struggling to see me in so much pain, but he wanted to be as supportive as possible.  I hung onto him and swayed during contractions.  Nothing compares to being wrapped in his arms.  My midwife came back into the room and said she was going to check me.  I had dilated to a 3, which was discouraging, but at least I had made some progress.  I was certain things would pick up soon, especially since my contractions continued to intensify.

Rocking through contractions with K.  He was so great during labor--I'm truly blessed with an incredible husband!

During some of my contractions, I had terrible hip pain (thankfully no back labor), so my doula, husband and sister would give me some counterpressure during each wave.  That helped so much.  I remember telling them that I wanted them to go get something to eat since it could be a long evening, so they left in shifts to get food. 

In the next thirty minutes, things really picked up.  I went from being able to tolerate contractions to needing to focus through each.  I was anxiously awaiting being able to use the tub, but knew I didn’t want to get in until I was far enough along to prevent labor from slowing.  My pitocin was continuing to climb and let me tell you, those contractions are no joke.  Coupled with the lack of cushion from my waters being broken, I was definitely feeling challenged but was still determined to have the unmedicated labor I planned and prepared for.

Sara had to leave for the night, and my new nurse Mariah took over.  I was sad to see Sara go, as a familiar face is always a comfort, but knew that things would be okay with the new nurse too.  At this point, my midwife could see how painful things had become and suggested that I get into the tub to help myself relax in order to aid in dilatation.  That tub was the best thing ever!  The warm water was so relaxing and for a long time, my contractions didn’t seem to hurt as badly—even though they were still at the same intensity. 

Finally resting in the tub.  It felt so good to relax!

Around 9:40pm, they checked me again.  I had made it to a 4.  I was pretty discouraged, as contractions were getting more and more intense, but knew that the last few could potentially go fast.  My midwife was encouraging and told me that things would get moving.  She bargained with me and said to make it through 30 more contractions.  Counting to 30 was not fun at this point.  I got horribly nauseous and everyone was sure that I had hit transition, me included.  Listening to my body during this time was another internal moment.  I didn’t care what people thought, and I did what felt natural to me.  I sang through most of my contractions and couple of them brought me to tears.  I remember being conscious of not wanting to be mean during labor, so I used “please and thank you” a lot.  At that moment I remember telling someone to “Shut up….please”.  My contraction pattern was consistent with transition and we were looking forward to finding out that I had progressed.

Surrounded with support as I labored in the tub.  Kylie eventually crawled in behind me to rub my back.  It truly takes a team!

Jenda checked me shortly after I had my 30^th contraction.  I found out that I had made no additional progress.  At this point, we realized that E was stuck and that she wasn’t going to be moving on her own.  In order to avoid a c-section, we needed to increase the pitocin even more.  While I had very much wanted to avoid an epidural, at this point, I knew I needed one in order to cope with the increased intensity the pitocin was going to bring.  My pitocin level was far above what normal drips reach, and combined with the lack of sleep, we all determined it was in my best interest to get some relief from the pain. 

I got out of the tub and rode out a few more waves while we waited on the anesthesiologist.  He came in and I could have kissed him.  They got me ready for the epidural and it started working almost immediately.  Unfortunately, I had several “hot spots”, so he had to come back and increase the medication in the epidural.  I was so nervous that I would be paralyzed from it for the rest of my labor and that I wouldn’t be able to feel the urge to push.  I shouldn’t have worried, I was still able to move and feel pressure.  It was very well done!  My doula told me later she forgot I had the epidural for a while!

Enjoying my epidural and finally able to rest.  I was praying at this point that the increased pitocin would help me dilate, as the midwife said we might be looking at a c section if I failed to progress at this point.  The Lord heard my prayers and answered them in a beautiful way!

We all rested for a while, which was helpful.  I dozed, but wasn’t able to sleep well.  By 2am, I had dilated to 10 and baby girl was at 0 station.  We knew it wouldn’t be too much longer.  The nurse emptied my bladder and E went from 0 to +2 immediately.  The sudden drop caused her some distress so they had me move onto my hands and knees to help calm her heart rate.

Jenda went to check the position of E and we realized she was facing the wrong way—yet another reason my labor was not progressing as it should have (and making me all the more thankful that I did not have any back labor).  My midwife reached in, grabbed her little head and turned her manually at that point.  I was very happy I had the epidural, even with it, that maneuver was uncomfortable!

Evil, evil pitocin contractions!

My midwife got the squat bar ready and we started to prep for pushing.  As they got the cart ready, I remember being excited and nervous for this last part.  I was exhausted, but knew that we were almost done.  The squat bar was the best way to push!  I was so nervous that I would be limited because of my epidural, but thankfully, I was still very mobile.  I alternated between that and modified sitting for pushing and E made great progress.

They brought out the mirror for me to watch.  I know a lot of women don’t like to see what’s happening down there (it is a bit of a murder scene!) but I loved watching her get closer and closer to emerging!  Seeing all that dark hair was such an encouragement for me to push!  Surprisingly, I didn’t get tired during pushing.  I felt energized and excited.  I never felt like I was straining or working too hard.  I do remember getting into an argument with my nurse trying to convince her to let me go to the bathroom because I HAD to poop.  She laughed at me and said, “No, you’re pushing out a baby, it feels the same”.  She was right, of course, but at the time, I was convinced I needed to use the bathroom.

After a little less than 45 minutes of occasional pushing (thankfully, we didn’t push every contraction—it was very relaxed), E emerged.  Things quickly turned from relaxed to intensive though when we realized the cord was wrapped tightly around her neck.  My midwife told me to push as hard as I could and get her shoulders out.  Those pushes were much harder for me, but out she came and they quickly unwrapped the cord and began working on getting her to be alert.

Those 30 seconds of silence after her birth were the longest of my life.  She was very blue and I remember my sister telling me that she might need to go to the NICU.  That was the only time during my entire labor I truly felt scared and helpless.  Thankfully, she let out a big scream and let us all know she was just fine.  The midwife told me later that the cord probably wrapped around her after her sudden 0 to +2 station drop.

Meeting our daughter for the first time.

E was born at 3:32am on Tuesday, January 22^nd—26 ½ hours after my water broke at 39 weeks 6 days gestation.  I only had two small tears, both a result of the last minute hard pushing I had to do when we discovered she had the cord around her neck.  I was up and moving shortly after delivery, although I wasn’t allowed to be unassisted for a few hours.  I was able to have her on my chest as long as I wanted after delivery, and the nurse waited to take her for vitals until I was ready to pass her to them.  We were able to nurse within the first hour of birth.  Truly, it was a beautiful experience.

Nursing E for the first time--such a beautiful moment!

Did the birth go how I thought it would? No.  I’ll admit that I was somewhat discouraged that I did not achieve an unmedicated birth, but my midwife reassured me that if my labor had progressed how normal labors normally do, that I would have been able to do it without a problem.  This was encouraging for future children—I know I can do it next time.  I know I had no control over my labor not progressing and my daughter’s poor positioning.  I realize now that I never experienced one natural contraction and that my first experience of labor will be vastly different from future pregnancies.  Even so, I had the absolute best labor and delivery I could have imagined in the circumstances.

Jenda, my incredible midwife who was so respectful and honoring of our wishes for the birth and who did everything she could to make that happen, even when things didn't go as planned!  So thankful for her!

Recovery has been incredible.  I am 10 days postpartum and rarely need to take anything for pain.  At the hospital, I was able to be up and moving around frequently.  I had incredible support both there and here at home.  I can almost fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, and while I’ve lost 20 pounds already, I still have about 18 more to go until I’m back to pre-baby days, but I’m completely fine with that—there’s no rush.

I can’t explain it, but talking about labor and birth and pregnancy is such an empowering and beautiful thing.  Not everyone enjoys talking (or hearing) about it, but I do.  I marvel at how God created our bodies to nurture a life for 9-10 months…how he enabled our bodies to birth and heal…how he’s designed us to be able to nurse and nourish our babies outside of the womb.  What divine design!



Cherishing my sweet daughter.
Photo courtesy of Cherished: Portraits by Michelle (http://www.cherishedportraitsbymichelle.com/)

I loved my birth experience, even thought it didn’t go perfectly according to my plan.  I told K within hours of E’s arrival that I couldn’t wait to do this again.  Mind you, it will be a couple years, but I already miss being pregnant and am looking forward to yet another labor experience.  I only hope that more women can learn to embrace labor and instead of facing it with fear, face it with the confidence that they are strong and capable of giving birth to their children.  It’s an incredible and beautiful thing and I feel blessed that I was able to experience it!  Motherhood truly is the most marvelous adventure and greatest blessing!

Our precious daughter, E.
Photo courtesy of Cherished: Portraits by Michelle (http://www.cherishedportraitsbymichelle.com/)

And Baby G Makes 3!

One week ago today, our little miss E came into the world, snuggly, screaming and adorable.

She was not happy about her eviction!
While I'm not going to post my birth story quite yet (give me a few more days to fully process), I feel compelled to update and attempt to describe how much our world has changed in the last week.

For those of you who were aware, I was on bed rest for the last two weeks before E's birth.  I had hypertension/borderline preeclampsia which was concerning to my midwives and in order to avoid an induction, we opted for strict bed rest instead.
My mother was on bed rest for the majority of her pregnancy with us, two weeks almost killed me.  I have a whole new respect for mamas who have to spend time on bed rest--our babies are worth it, but it's very hard going from go go go all the time to "don't do anything except get up to go to the bathroom or refrigerator".

It got to the point during the weekend of the 19th that my midwives said if E didn't come on her own by Friday, I would need to be induced.  That was very hard for me, as I had hoped to have a natural labor and birth--and inductions can make that very difficult.  Part of me was sad that I wouldn't be able to tell my husband that it was time to go to the hospital.  Part of me was sad that some of the surprise was going to be removed.
But I also was willing to do whatever was necessary to protect me and my daughter.

Thankfully, I went into labor on my own early that Monday morning--and although my birth didn't go quite as I had planned, I wouldn't change a thing.

Here is my very last pregnancy picture.  I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant and we had just arrived at the hospital. 

Call me crazy, but I already miss being pregnant.  I'm probably one of the only people who has gone through labor and within an hour told her husband, "let's do this again!"
I adored pregnancy.  I felt great, learned to embrace my new body and was able to marvel at how God has created us to support and grow life.  What a blessing to nurture my daughter inside of me for 9 (sometimes long) months!
The post partum period hasn't been too bad either.  I'll post more about that later too.

I must say that our daughter is one adorable little sweetheart.  She has mommy's nose and lips.  She has daddy's eyes, ears, forehead and toes.  Her head is covered in beautiful dark hair and she is the biggest snuggle bug I've ever seen.

We are so in love.
Our first week has been an adjustment, but wonderful.  We have a great support system here between our families and friends, and I am so thankful for that.  People have started to bring us meals and that has also been a huge blessing to us.

E is a great nurser and sleeper.  She loves to cuddle and is quite particular about where she will sleep.  She is not a fan of her cradle right now, but we're working on getting her used to sleeping somewhere other than mommy and daddy's arms.  Our first night home was the hardest, but it has been a wonderful learning experience and joy being her parents.

We still have so much to learn and so much yet to update, but I think this is plenty for now.  I'm getting a bit jealous that daddy has gotten to hold her for the last hour and I think it's mommy's turn for E snuggles.

Stay tuned, I'll be posting our birth story soon for those of you who are like me and love those :)  For those who would rather not know, you've been forewarned :)

And all I know are blessings

Looking back at my last post, I am in awe of how quickly time has gone between that last post and today-the last day of 2012.  Parts of this pregnancy have seemed to drag on forever, but looking back, I feel like I just returned from our honeymoon and wasn't even aware of the little life growing inside of me.

As I look back over this last year, I notice one constant denominator: overwhelming blessings.  Don't get me wrong, there were some tough moments this year and some days when I was wondering how in the world I would figure out xyz problem.
But at the end of the day, I could sit back and recognize how the Lord's hand has been over us in every moment of this year.

Perhaps one of my favorite moments this year was our incredible honeymoon to Punta Cana in May.  K and I had never had the chance to go somewhere just us and with him being gone the majority of our first year of marriage, I was beginning to wonder if we would ever get to take a honeymoon at all.  What I find so funny is that I kept telling myself that as long as we were able to take our honeymoon before we had kids, it would be okay and we would have us time without added stress.
Little did I know how timing would work ironically in our favor.

We had so much fun during our trip.  The beaches were beautiful.  The relaxation was much needed.  We were able to connect in new ways uncluttered by stress of daily life, work and everything else that takes over our normal days.  It was also a huge blessing and opportunity for us to grow closer after having spent so much time apart the previous year.

It was so beautiful.  I hope to go back someday.

Shortly before taking our honeymoon, I had a conversation with a friend of mine.  We were talking about children (she has one little one) and we were talking about planning for them.  I remember telling her that, even though we weren't trying, I had a feeling that something would happen in 2012, although it was probably unlikely.

On our way home from our honeymoon, I kept having moments of what I like to call "God's way of preparing you for a life altering event".  We came home on Mother's Day and I remember boarding the plane and thinking "this is my last Mother's Day not being a mommy".  I remember walking through the metal detectors at the airport and thinking that I might need to be careful, just in case I was pregnant for some weird reason.
My husband and I even had a conversation about halfway through our honeymoon trip about what we would do and how we would feel if we ended up getting pregnant before it fell into our "master plan" timeline.
Looking back, I know this was God's way of mentally preparing me-the ultimate planner-for His wonderful and unexpected plan for us.

I really believe that God opened the door for us to take our honeymoon at the perfect time.  It was a chance for us to grow even closer as well as spend some us time together, especially knowing now that there won't be as much "us" time once Miss E arrives. 

We came home from our trip refreshed, renewed and closer than we have ever been.

Three days later, our world was turned upside down.

I think there are still moments where I am just shocked and in disbelief, even with my belly obviously pregnant and my little girl taking several rib-brusing kicks occasionally.  In the moment that I saw that plus sign, I remember breaking down in tears.  I wasn't mad or upset, but I was scared and shocked.  I am a master planner, afterall, and this was not in my current plan for the Gazaryan house.  I was certain that I had misread the test...but 9 pregnancy tests all said the same thing, and I knew that this wasn't a joke.

I don't think there is a way to adequately wrap your head around or prepare for being pregnant for the first time, regardless of if it was planned or not.  It's a surreal thing.  I still feel like myself (although much heavier) and still act like myself (except when I cry over not having any orange sherbert left in the freezer).  I still do the things I used to before I got pregnant (minus those big fruity drinks in sugar rimmed glasses). 
But at the same time, I'm also a mommy.
Wrapping my head around that is almost impossible.  There are days when I still feel like I'm 14 and now God has given us our own child.  What a humbling, terrifying and incredible thing!  Truthfully, I am overwhelmed with knowing that God has entrusted us to care for, raise, and nurture this little life.  What a privalege and what a responsibility!
I am so looking forward to the challenge!

We found out in September that we would be having a little princess.  Another huge surprise for me, considering I was beyond convinced that we were having a boy.  I cried when we found out and I think the poor ultrasound technician thought I was disappointed.  K reassured her that "she's only crying because she doesn't like to be wrong"....he knows me so well.

So our world has become overrun by pink and lace and flowers and hairbows.  Not that I mind a bit.  I think K is still adjusting to the girl-ifying that is happening in our house.  I'm anxiously awaiting the day he lets her paint his fingernails.

Just look at how cute she is

We make seriously adorable babies.

As we gear up knowing she will be making her arrival anytime between now (unlikely) and January 23 (more likely), I am anxious to meet her.  I wonder what her personality will be like.  I wonder who she will look like and whether or not all of the thumb sucking we've seen from her (every ultrasound since week 12) will continue out of the womb.  I marvel at what purpose the Lord has for her life and pray that I will be instrumental in helping her achieve those purposes.  I wonder if she will be a reader like mommy or an athlete like daddy.
I can't wait to meet our daughter.  I can't wait to be her mommy.

This year has truly been covered with blessings, some expected and some unexpected.  We were blessed that K did not have to deploy this year.  He had a few TDYs, but they were short and sweet (and the internet worked).  We really needed this year together, and I am so thankful that it worked out to have him home so long.  While we know he's leaving again in early 2013, having been able to spend the time together that we did this year is making that easier than it would have been otherwise.

I have officially been at my job for over a year.  This is another incredible blessing.  I know few people who can truly say they love their job and love going to work every day.  Even now, over a year after my first day, I am excited to go to work and enjoy what I do.  Coming from a semi recent college grad, I know it's rare to be in such a great career early on.

Another blessing was finishing my Master's degree.  I graduated in August and am simply thankful I never have to go back to school again if I don't want to.  It was a hard road (especially trying to get it done in one year) and I still laugh when I look back and realize that on my final day of classes, I was just starting my second trimester (hello tiredness) and in the process of moving!  I was going back and forth from loading boxes to taking a test!  Only with the Lord's strength....

We moved into our wonderful house in August.

I never realized how nice it was to have a backyard for the dogs until we finally had one!  I also love having the space to spread out and not feel so squished.

Yet another blessings has been the ease of my pregnancy.  I managed to avoid morning sickness and have been growing steadily but not excessively

Here's me about 2 weeks ago at 35 weeks.  Still pretty tiny, even though I don't feel it ha!
I have managed to avoid most of the unpleasant symptoms that comes with growing a baby up until this point.  Lately I have been extremely tired and my feet aren't exactly tiny anymore, however, knowing I am in the homestretch of meeting our little girl makes it all worth it--and an extra nap won't hurt anyone.

So looking ahead to 2013, what are my goals and what am I looking forward to?
I can't wait to meet our princess (I think I've said that a few times)
I can't wait to learn how to be a mommy to Miss E
I am looking forward to how the Lord is going to grow and stretch me during K's deployment as well as how He will use our time apart and strengthen our marriage even though we are on different continents.
I am looking forward to finding out whether or not we are moving this year....it's still up in the air, but it's a potentially exciting time!
I am hoping to run a 5K this year...I had planned to do that in 2012, but 2 weeks before my scheduled race, a little blue plus sign changed my plans
So many friends and family are getting married this year, so that will be great fun!
My goal is to shower every day...seriously, I hear that's hard to do with a baby
My other goal is to make sure Miss E always has a bow in her hair--superficial? yes.  Adorable? absolutely.
My final goal is to invest in relationships.  I was blessed to meet many amazing friends this year and I want to nurture and grow those relationships in 2013. 

If you are still reading at this point, I applaud you.  I tend to ramble.
All in all, I just wanted to express how blessed I have felt over the course of 2012.  There have been many challenges and moments of personal growth but there have also been great outpourings of love, blessings and things to be thankful for that I never expected.

 

 

From our growing family to yours, Happy New Year! May you be blessed and filled with joy in 2013!

28 (plus some) weeks later...

Well, I am officially 29 1/2 weeks pregnant.  It's incredibly hard for me to believe, considering it feels like yesterday when that broken pregnancy test popped up with that little blue plus sign and turned our world upside down.

I haven't been great about taking weekly pictures.  I think that Pinterest set me up for disappointment and a severe overestimate of my motivation to be clever this pregnancy.  The last one I took was just over a week ago when I was 28 weeks pregnant.

My midwife keeps asking me where I'm hiding the little miss.  I'm glad that someone thinks I'm still tiny--but darn it, I sure don't feel tiny!  It's pretty crazy looking back at how I looked in May and comparing it to now.  God has sure created our bodies to do incredible things!  I'm pretty sure that by the end of this adventure, I'll be even more impressed with the capabilities of the human body and the miracle of pregnancy and birth!

So why did I choose the title 28 weeks later?  Well, I'm not a scary movie person, but I do watch the occasional lame zombie flick.  Some days, I feel like a zombie walking around sleepy and incoherent.  My husband is very tolerant.  He is also quite wonderful about getting me ice cream at 11pm when I must have a bite!

Pregnancy is incredible.  The entire process, I have been blessed to feel pretty great, have functional amounts of energy and limited to no pain.  I never had morning sickness (except for a handful of times something just didn't sit right with me).  I've never had any medical complications worth mentioning.
I realize I'm in a lucky minority.
However, pregnancy is also harder than anything I ever imagined.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being pregnant (I will totally do this again someday), but there is something to be said for all the rapid changes that occur when you get pregnant--especially when that wasn't something you were anticipating for a while.

In recent weeks, it has been challenging for me at times to accept just how things are changing.  I am not used to gaining weight, as I have always been fairly thin.  I am not used to needing to sleep all the time, as I have always been a go go go type of person who only slows down when she is sick.  I am not used to the emotional roller coaster and frustration of not being able to describe everything that is going on inside of my head.
I am learning a lot of patience through this process.  My husband is earning the Medal of Honor.

I saw this picture and it made me laugh because, as much as they really want to be helpful, as K has said, "we won't ever really 'get' it".

Thankfully, my husband has never offered me a beer on my bad days.  Normally it's a backrub, an offer of a cheesy movie or ice cream bribery.
I'm quite happy to take him up on all three.

Truthfully, though, even my complaints are minor.  On the days when I struggle, I remind myself of the great prize we will attain at the end of this chapter: our beautiful little girl.  And she is worth every stretch, every pound, every nap and every tear.

This is our little girl at 26 1/2 weeks.  She is already stubborn like her mommy and daddy (did we expect anything different?) and didn't want to get her picture taken.  She still loves to have her hands in her mouth and she loves to be buried in her "placenta pillow" as the ultrasound technician called it.  I love that she is already a snuggler!

As we get closer and closer to her arrival (my sister pointed out that she could be here as soon as 8 weeks from now!), my panic button of "nothing is done!" is in full swing.  I have to remind myself that it will all get done eventually, and early on, she won't know the difference if her curtains are hung perfectly or not.
I still did order her nursery bedding this morning.  I'm waiting to order the matching hamper and lamp for another month or so.  K and I are also ordering the crib and dresser soon, and I can't wait to get it set up and settled in her little room!

I had the first of four (yes, four--I am absolutely overwhelmed with blessings) baby showers yesterday.  We had so much fun celebrating Miss E and her impending arrival.  Instead of games, the wonderful hostesses had all of us make hairbows for her!  I thought it was brilliant and considering she will be born head to toe with hair (look at her parents, we're essentially going to birth a very cute monkey), we need all the hair accessories we can get!

I don't have a lot of pictures back yet, but I will be sure to upload them once I receive them.

Here is my twin sister and I at the shower.  I received so many compliments on that dress!  It's from Everly Grey Maternity and I'm basically in love with all of their clothes. I am looking forward to fitting into my old clothes again.  Stretchy pants are wonderful, but lose their luster after 6 months straight!

All in all, I am blessed.  I am overwhelmed with incredible family and friends.  I have a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter.

So if it means I have to be an occasional zombie for another 2 1/2 months, I'll take it.  Every last bit is worth it!

We're Kind of Hoping for a Pony...

You will have to forgive my lack of updating.  I have learned that pregnancy does a number of things that you don't necessarily anticipate...
...such as feeling like the energy fairies have stolen the last of your supply.

I sleep a lot.

But, I am growing a baby and growing I am doing:

This was taken at 20 weeks, 1 day pregnant.  Hard to believe this is the halfway mark.  Tomorrow marks 21 weeks and the countdown to baby truly begins.

We had our gender reveal party on Sunday.  We had so much fun planning and preparing to surprise everyone.  Little one was plenty cooperative at our 18 week ultrasound, so we had hard evidence to support our big announcement.

 

Here is a picture of the little one.  Sweet baby didn't like having its picture taken and refused to move for us during the ultrasound.  Mommy and daddy have a very lazy baby on their hands!Regardless, we were able to arm ourselves with the necessary boy or girl information and off to our local HyVee we went.

We had the cake and food

Proper decorum

And lots of family and friends

                                                                      Team Pink

                                                                      Team Blue

So who would be the winners?  Team Blue or Team Pink?  The vast majority said boy (me included) and K went with girl.
The big moment arrived and everyone waited with much anticipation

The middle of the cake was PINK!  Everyone was so excited to finally know what Baby G was going to be.

The running joke this pregnancy has been that we are hoping for a velocoraptor or a pony.  My sister was able to find this gem for me to wear to the party.  We were definately able to garner some great laughs!

So while we aren't having a pony, I think I can handle having a little girl instead!

In other news:

We moved out of the apartments finally.  While we tried to find somewhere off base, our limited timeframe prevented us from finding a place suitable for our needs.  We were blessed with a lovely on base home and both puppies love our new house, the extra space and the backyard.  I am still getting used to all of this space!

I graduated with my Master's degree last month.  It was rather anti-climactic, but I did get a high five from my husband.
I figure that's a decent trade off.

Now that life is slowing down, I am really able to sit back and enjoy being pregnant.  We have recently begun to feel our little girl move and when she wants to be wiggly, the world will know.  We are also noticing a common theme in all of our ultrasounds:

Orthodontists are are going love our family!

So, in a nutshell, life is wonderful.  Pregnancy is wonderful.  My husband is wonderful.  God is wonderful.
It's a blessed life, even if we aren't getting a pony ;)